Discovery - Post Burningman 2006

Before I was a teenager, my life was shaped by simple reactions to feelings that I couldn't possibly understand. Some physical (don't walk barefoot on hot concrete, don't hit your older brother because he will beat you to a pulp), but mostly emotional (be nice and people will show you love or nag your mom/dad/brother/sister and they will give you some attention). Around the time I became a teenager (approximately), I must have started my self awareness. Consciously weighing the outcome of my actions. Paying attention to the things I liked and didn't like, and shaping my life to maximize the things I liked.

As I grew older and had more experiences (relationships, school, jobs, religion, activities, etc...), I learned more and more about myself. I made a massive leap when I left college, moved to San Francisco and took responsibility for my own life. My self awareness increased and I had even more control over what I wanted to do. I will always love San Francisco because it allowed me to explore myself in ways I never thought possible. It is such an accepting and supportive place.

A year ago, I moved to London. London is not as supportive or accepting as San Francisco, but I gained some freedom by coming here. With the confidence I gained in San Francisco and the freedom I had starting anew, my personal evolution really accelerated. I wasn't, as they say, "searching for myself," but I CAN NOT believe what I've just realized.

Some people don't ever bother looking.
Some people look but never find.
And I can imagine that a few people, searching or not, actually do discover themselves.

Right now I am one of those people.

I'm sure this will change, in fact, I hope it will. I will have experiences that introduce me to new things and I won't know how they fit into who I am, but that's ok. I hope I will take those things and improve my life, but right now, at this moment, I know who I am, and I know that I have found myself, and I am in such awe that I really don't know what to do.

Call it cheesy, call it a cliche, but the magnitude and rarity of a moment like this make it almost inconceivable, and that is why it has become a cliche.

To be honest, it's not that I've discovered anything new about myself. I just feel like I've refined the things that I have been discovering my entire life to a point that feels EXACTLY right.

The past 2 months have really accelerated this refining process. It started a month before Burningman when I began getting ready. Getting into character, feeling free to be myself and do what I wanted. It continued as I participated in the most amazing event in the Universe. I explored, I role played, I greeted, I hugged, I loved, I danced, I made other people smile. And then it picked up when I left. I had an inspirational discussion with a great friend, fellow burner and old roommate (Axel). Someone I was scared to live with when I moved to San Francisco because we were such different people at the time. The thought of that never happening, by the way, absolutely scares the crap out of me now.

When I returned to London, I started talking to many of the people who know me well. Particular conversations with Kyle, my Aunt Jill, Mike, Dayna, Hal, and Spaly helped keep things going. And then, today, an email exchange today with John Tucker, one of my best friends in the world and an amazing person, just nailed it home. He said, "I think most people ... can only be successful when their employment suits their distinct personality. There are two potential blocks: 1. They don't know who they are yet. 2. They haven't found the opportunity. You do not have problem 1, and problem 2 is, as you say, only a matter of time once you are looking at the world in the right lens."

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that having your employment suit your personality is the end game in life, and I'm not saying that John's email helped me discover who I was. It's clear to me now that I already knew. John's gift of merely reflecting back on me what I had just told him (in an earlier, un-quoted email), helped me realize that I DID know who I was. And that was an amazing feeling.

Of course none of this actually says anything about what I've discovered, and it doesn't say anything about who I am. This is one of the most amazing moments in my life and all I wanted to do here was capture how I felt and part of the story of how I got here. The rest of the story is the story of my life. Part of it is below in this blog and the rest of it is captured in my mind and in the memories of everyone whose path I have crossed.

Capturing my discovery and capturing who I am in words is no simple task, but it is THE task in my life right now. I don't know how long it will take, but I know that I will not go very far with anything else until I have it done. It may become a book one day, or a movie, or it may just sit on my shelf. To be sure, I will share parts or all of it with you all here. Stay tuned.