October Deep Thoughts

In my travels in October, both in London and in Spain, I continued my pattern of looking inward to discover who this Jason guy really is. When you spend 80% of your time on your own, it makes for great opportunities to reflect on experiences, consider new ideas and even try some new approaches to everyday life. Probably one of the bigger realizations I've had in my travels is the acknowledgement of the fear I have of being alone. People who know me are often shocked to hear that from me, but I actually think that my fear of being alone is what has caused me to develop such an outgoing, friendly & welcoming character. It was great to discover that I unconciously converted the compensation for my insecurity (my fear of being alone) into a character trait that has and will be a great asset as I grow personally and professionally.

In addition to my realization of my fear, I also confirmed something that I think I've know for a long time, and that is how much I love to dance. In high school, I developed a complex about dancing because of the regular shit I'd catch from friends and classmates. To this day, when I go back to New Orleans, I still get teased about it. Guys...move on. As I distanced myself from that period of my life, though, I rediscovered how much I enjoyed dancing and have found it to be both a great form of exercise and an excellent alternative to drinking myself into oblivion on any given night on the town.

Continuing my introspection this month, I dug deeper into my own psyche to understand what drives me. There I discovered a weakness that I don't think I will ever overcome. A sort of corollary to my fear of being alone is my need to feel/be accepted by others. I call it a weakness because I believe it can negatively influence my ability to be myself (to be an individual) and do what I feel like doing. Of course, if what I want is to be accepted, then doing what I need to be accepted is exactly what I feel like doing...it's a bit circular, but I hope you get the idea there. I've come to the conclusion that the best I can do is be aware of this weakness, accept it and make sure it doesn't overcome me. I started monitoring my behaviour around this as I started becoming more aware of it, and I came up with some personal guidance on how to address it. Basically, it comes down to the conclusion that I want to be proud of everything I do or say. If I am proud of myself, then I don't _need_ others to be proud, appreciative or accepting of me. It's a stretch, but it's a start.